Do we have the right?

This morning during that quite peaceful moment I have before all the children wake, I was doing my usual thing of checking e-mail and facebook, reading the headlines for the day, and planning out my daily activities. One particular facebook entry struck me. It was a news article titled "Dad fights to keep baby on life support." I was so shocked and concerned that I had to in turn write about it as well. The article tells of a one year old in Britain with Congenital myasthenic syndrome, CMS. According to the article, CMS is the result of a rare gene abnormality that affects the link between the nerve and muscle, destroying the "signal" between the two when the nerve wants the muscle to contract. You can read more about CMS here. The child is on life support to help him breath. The doctors and the mom wish for him to be taken off life support, stating that his quality of life is so low that it isn't in the boys interest to save him. The father is fighting this move. So now the high court in Britain will decide the child's fate.

Once again I want to say, "what the H E double hockey sticks!!!" The child has brain function, knows whats going on around him. Who do we think we are to determine about the quality of his life. Are we in that brain, do we know? And where does it stop. If the courts determine that even though he has brain function, his quality of life isn't enough to continue treatment, even against the wishes of one of the parents, whats to keep them from making more decisions against the will of us the parents. What about the child born with some other disease that in someway lessens their quality of life. Are we to stop treatment for them as well? And when it is the case of a child, who can not make medical decisions for themselves yet, are we ready to tell our government, go ahead make those decisions for us. It is the doctors that are seeking this court order to begin with. Government run health care at its best people. And don't think for a moment that because it isn't happening in your neighborhood, that someday you won't be effected. The decisions that the courts make now, in any country, effect us all down the road.

Finally I will leave you with this. I found this to be priceless.

Mother May I....NO you may not!!!

Last night while watching the news I saw a report that I just couldn't believe. Scientific studies now show Baby Einstein to be bad for babies. With the report came news that Disney the maker of Baby Einstein products is now offering refunds. They also interviewed some poor mom who now has to make the decision on whether or not to let her baby watch the Baby Einstein movies. I found the report to be interesting, so much so that I had actually stayed up to watch it. However I didn't think much about it. It was like, yes, to much TV is bad, but common people, don't we carry everything to far. Little did I know.

This morning while talking to a friend of mine, she was telling me about the same thing. She had seen a report, and it got her so worked up, that she in turn researched it out, and actually wrote about it on her blog. The story that she wrote, made me curious as well. So I did some digging myself. And what I found actually scares me.

Now let me just stop here in my story and say my children watch TV. They watch shows. Most have some sort of educational value to them. They reinforce things that they are already learning from me. Some of the TV that they watch does not have educational value, for example the Finding Nemo movie we rented last week. That was purely for entertainment. My four year old and my 16 month old will play computer games together. In these games they learn about different colors and concepts such as groupings and addition. I do not however set my children in front of the TV for hours at the time, just so that I don't have to provide entertainment or because I have something else to do. And I do not rely on someone or something else to teach my child the things that they need to know. THAT is MY choice. I have the choice. For now.

That is what has made me so mad. In this country we seem to be loosing more and more of our choices, not only as parents, but as citizens in general. What the H E double hockey sticks happened? I mean, wasn't this country founded on freedom?

I learned today about the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC.) And I couldn't believe what I found. Not only do I not agree with many of their claims, I find many of their ideas to be quite ridiculous. For example by putting the Harley Davidson brand on a bib, you are subconscious making them into die hard fans. You really need to read some of the information that they are putting out there.

To be fair its not so much their concepts that I disagree with. It is what they think causes them. America does not over eat because adds for fatty food on TV. We over eat because we have no control. The ads are there because we over eat, not the other way around. The thing that upsets me the most is that is not that all of their concepts are bad. I don't want my children watching things that are bad for them. But it is my choice. Just because I let my children watch Elmo does not make me a bad parent. I am the parent, not them. The more we let our freedoms and choices be taken away, the less control we have over our own lives. Soon they will be telling us that it isn't educational enough for children to be home schooled. I don't want to have to live with a "Mother may I" mentality, always having to ask permission to raise my children the way I see fit.

Our BIG adventure

So yesterday I had a wic appointment, but since it was raining Bennett had to take the car to work. No motorcycle. *FROWN* I started to just call and cancel the appointment. Like I had done all the other times. But I didn't. Nope, I choose a road less traveled. We walked. Now let me just say, that it had stopped raining, and was really a nice fall day. The temperature was about 58 degrees, and it was nice and crisp outside. Our wic office is here in town, and is only about a mile and a half from our house. So we got dressed warmly, packed our lunch in our new lunch bags (25 cents each at walmart on clearance!) And we set off. I love my Phil & Teds stroller, Alyssa up front, Makayla behind, and Samara strapped to my chest in my Ergo (also one of the things that I couldn't do without.) Alyssa has been watching Dora, so I made a crude map of where we where going, and a couple of things that we would pass. As we walked we talked about the seasons in the year, and what makes leaves turn colors and fall to the ground. We talked about looking both ways when we cross a street. What the Don't Walk/Walk signs mean. It was a great day. Plus I got some good exercise. Samara slept just about the whole time, minus when we where actually at the WIC appointment. The wind had picked up a little on the way home, but I had put a couple of small blankets in the stroller, and that kept the kids warm. Samara fit snugly in my jacket with me. Perfect. We picked up several leaves and a pine cone to remember our trip with. Later today I plan on helping Alyssa glue them to a paper, and we will hang it on our classroom walls. The walk was a great reminder that not all schooling needs to take place in the classroom. There is a wealth of learning outside four walls.

When we where almost home, I got to thinking about what people did before cars. I have really been wanting a second car. I hate feeling left at home without one, even when I am not planning on going anywhere. But yesterday was a little liberating for me. I am not without a mode of transportation. My feet work just fine. I have been blessed with the means to get up and move. And thankfully we live in town. With in just two miles of our house, is all sorts of things that I can take advantage of. And it was really a fun treat for the girls. Alyssa was asking if we could go on anther walk after nap time. :) Now it won't always been nice enough weather to get out and walk, but it will be sometimes, and I plan on taking advantage of it.

and then there where three....

So having three young children is a challenge. I know, duh, I should have seen that coming right. But oh my gosh! I feel swamped. Everyday is a challenge. A challenge to get up and out of bed. (Do the math, 3 children x 1 time waking up = 3 times getting up in the night and this is on a good night.) A challenge to get breakfast, a challenge to get everyone dressed, diapered, fed, happy, napped, dinner cooked.... The list just goes on and on. And that doesn't even count for things that I need. Can I say shower?

Makayla is having a hard time. She loves Samara to death, and really enjoys "helping" taking care of her. But at the same time, when Samara gets in her spot, well the world comes to an end. It is like she tries to kiss and move her out of the way all at once. It's kind of cute, except at 3 am when I haven't had any sleep yet.

Well, dinner is done, and my time is up. :(

And another page down....

So today I competed another page. My goal today was to use the things that I learned from yesterday, without having to look any of it up. I did pretty well. I am getting more comfortable with the layering. I feel good about it.

I also found some more free items yesterday evening. Most designers offer some sort of freebie. Its a great way to get to try their work out, before you buy anything. And its great to start stocking my scrapbooking stash, without breaking my wallet. Some of the papers and embellishments are just so pretty, and they look so real. And best of all, you can use them over and over again. So much better than paper that you can only use once.

The thing that I want to work on this weekend is organizing all of my stash. I need to find an easy way to organize it, so it isn't as hard to find something. Hopefully this weekend I will get a chance to work on it this weekend. Have a great one!

PS. I will post my page later this weekend...I am too tired tonight.

My First Digital Scrapbook Page

Okay, first of all let me say, that although its a little complicated, Gimp is an amazing program. It can do so many really really cool things. And best of all its free, unlike photoshop. You can download it here if you are interested.

I finished my first page today. I did it while watching some tutorials by Beene Designs on YouTube on how do scrapbook using Gimp. She has some really good information. The only thing that I wish was a little better was the visual quality of the video, but I was able to follow along well enough and learn the concepts that she was teaching. The hardest part was learning about all the layering. But once I figured it out, it really wasn't that hard.

The paper and embellishments that I used I got for free from Simply Clean Digi Scraps. Her website is awesome and she has some great items that you can download for free. This really helps, since I don't want to spend any money on anything while I am learning.

Anyways, I would love to know what you think of my first page. I need feedback. So please comment. Thanks!

(This scrapbook page was made using a free kit from Simply Clean Digi Scraps. No part of this image may be reproduced in any manner.)

And I found it!

Lately I have been trying to come up with things that I can do to keep myself entertained right before and after the baby is born. I need a creative outlet. As many of you can identify with, right after a baby is born is not the time to be able to do craft very easily, especially if you already have other young children as well. Well I am about to have three under the age of five and I don't have much time for cutting out patterns, piecing together quilts, crotching blankets, and all of the other crafty things that I enjoy doing. So I needed to figure out something. And I think I have.

Before Alyssa was born I loved scrapbooking. I really got into it and loved putting together memories, using all kinds of neat paper and embellishments. But after baby it was impractical. No sooner would I get things out, then I would have to walk away from my project for a crying baby. And things didn't get any better the older she got--now she wanted to "help." So I have up scrapbooking.

But now there is digital scrapbooking! I am excited about all the things that I have been able to learn about it just in a few hours today. I am really looking forward to it. For me, its going to be perfect, or at least I think it will. I won't have loads of stuff sitting around, waiting to get messed up. I won't have to get everything out and then put it back up. And for me, best of all, I can do it on my computer while doing other things, ie nursing said children. The blog that I have found to be most helpful so far is DigiScrapping with Jen I have really enjoyed reading through this blog and getting some great information and ideas.

The first hurdle that I came to was about Photoshop. I don't have Photoshop. And come to find out it is expensive. I knew that my mom had some sort of image editing software, and wanted to find out what she used, and where she got it, how much it cost, etc. I am so glad that I called her. She told me about Gimp. It is a free down loadable program that works much like photoshop. She loves it, and best of all its free! I will post again after I have downloaded it and learned some more about it. :)

Books I am reading

So I have been reading this book for my devotional time the last two or so weeks. And I am really enjoying it. It is not a new book, and it isn't the first time that I have looked at it, or even read some of it. It's by Stormie O'Martin and its called "Power of a Praying Wife." I have been doing one new chapter/topic a day. It really has been great. And it has opened up my prayer life like it hasn't been opened up in a long time.

So then the other day I was at half priced books, (love that store) and I found another one of her books, "Power of a Praying Mother." I am really looking forward to this one as well.

I guess I am just a "Selfish Mommy"

For the most part, I have not been very vocal about my thoughts on birth. I have taken the stance of "women need to do what they are comfortable with" and "you need to do what is right for you." But lately I am amazed at the amount of criticism and misunderstanding surrounding my choice to give birth at home with a CPM. And while I do still hold to the believe that if a woman feels that the best place for her to give birth is in a hospital then that is where she needs to be. However, I am tired of women getting misinformation from the family, friends, and even the doctors that are supposed to be helping them.

I do not claim to be an authority on the subject. And I am not always good at expressing my point so that it comes across where others can understand what I am trying to say. But I am going to attempt to do my best.

I am saddened and enraged when I hear of my friends and family and how they have been treated by the obstetrics community. I am not naive. I know that things do not always turn out the way we think they will. But time after time I have seen, even with my own eyes, how the very person that a woman as trusted to help her give birth becomes the very thing that hurts her and her baby. And why? Are these doctors less educated? Do they not know their profession well enough? Have they not had enough study on how to help women give birth?

I believe they do know their profession well. They are in the profession to make money. And to make money, they do not need healthy patients. Healthy patients do not pay out enough. Now, let me be clear. I believe that there are some wonderful doctors out there. They truly care for their patients, and do well by them. But they are coming fewer and farther between.

The biggest reason that I have chosen midwives and home birth is because I don't want to become one of their numbers. I do not want to allow myself and my unborn baby to be subjected to numerous interventions that will then cause more problems, and turn into a case where even more interventions are needed to fix the very problem that they created to begin with. The movie The Business of Being Born stated it so well. If you are pregnant, will ever be pregnant, or know someone who is and have not watched this film and urge you to. Birth is a miracle, a rite of passage, a natural part of life. But birth is also big business.

I would like to know why America is so far behind other developed countries. Places like Denmark, Sweden, and the Netherlands midwifery is the primary model of care.

The organization of maternity services in Denmark, Sweden, and the Netherlands
was studied under the sponsorship of the World Health Organization European
Headquarters Office of Maternal and Child Health. Midwifery care is highly
respected and is a central feature of obstetric care in each of these countries.
In Denmark and Sweden, almost all births are in the hospital, and autonomous
midwives are employed by national health services. About three-quarters of Dutch
midwives are in independent practice, and 34% of Dutch women give birth at home.
In each country midwives provide "the first line" of care for normal pregnant
women and are viewed as essential to the excellent perinatal outcomes these
three countries enjoy."- Models of midwifery care. Denmark, Sweden, and The
Netherlands.

It should be noted, that the maternal mortality rate in Denmark was 5 deaths per 100,000 live births according to the World Health Organization's Maternal Mortality in 2000 report. Compare that to the United States where the maternal death rate was 17 deaths per 100,000 live births.

According to Citizens for Midwifery, a number of rigorous scientific studies
published in leading medical journals have found that for a healthy woman
having a normal pregnancy, a planned, midwife-attended home birth is as safe
as a hospital birth and with far lower rates of medical interventions.

So why does the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists continue to blast home births and CPMs? In the ACOG's Statement on Home births they imply that I am a bad mother because I am choosing an experience of the health of my baby.

"Childbirth decisions should not be dictated or influenced by what's fashionable, trendy, or the latest cause célèbre. Despite the rosy picture painted by home birth advocates, a seemingly normal labor and delivery can quickly become life-threatening for both the mother and baby. Attempting a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) at home is especially dangerous because if the uterus ruptures during labor, both the mother and baby face an emergency situation with potentially catastrophic consequences, including death. Unless a woman is in a hospital, an accredited freestanding birthing center, or a birthing center within a hospital complex, with physicians ready to intervene quickly if necessary, she puts herself and her baby's health and life at unnecessary risk.

ACOG encourages all pregnant women to get prenatal care and to make a birth
plan. The main goal should be a healthy and safe outcome for both mother and
baby. Choosing to deliver a baby at home, however, is to place the process of
giving birth over the goal of having a healthy baby. For women who choose a
midwife to help deliver their baby, it is critical that they choose only
ACNM-certified or AMCB-certified midwives that collaborate with a physician to
deliver their baby in a hospital, hospital-based birthing center, or properly
accredited freestanding birth center. "

My biggest question from all of this is what about all the things that happen at the hospital? Take a moment to think about all of the births you have either experienced or heard about in a hospital setting. How many times do you hear the words, oh everything was so wonderful, nothing went wrong. I felt in control of my birth, and it was beautiful. My baby was alert and active afterwards and nursed easily. Almost never! However if you speak to mothers who have had the care of a midwife and had a home birth you will hear just that. Does this not seem a little odd to anyone else?

The biggest lie that women in our country have given in to is that they can't birth naturally. They are not able of handling the pain. (by the way, no one ever died from pain) That their bodies are designed to be able to deliver. That is simply not the case, and I look forward to the day when more women can stand up and say together, "We can birth our babies, and we can do so naturally!" I know that some women simply can't fathom having a child in their homes. But I would encourage them to find out why, not give in to fear, and do the research for themselves. Don't have your child anywhere simply because that is what someone else has told you to do. The second lie would be that you don't have the choice.

I have had two beautiful experiences with midwives. My first daughter was born at home with a CPM, and my second daughter was born at an independent birth center with a CPM. My family is looking forward to the birth of our third daughter then end of September, who will be born at home with the help of a CPM. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I see a system of health care that is not working. People go to doctors to get help, and many many times, they end up worse off. I am not saying that all doctors are bad. Please hear me on this point. But having a baby usually is not a medical emergency. I believe that God made our bodies. And our bodies work when we take care of them.

Hummmena, hummmmmena, hummmmena.

Okay, so things have been crazy lately. I figure that in and of itself is normal, seeing as I have a 3 1/2 year old, and a *gasp* 11 month old. (I can't believe that she is about to be a year old) And that I am five months pregnant as of yesterday. But I find myself wondering lately, if things will ever be easier. I mean, while I always be knee deep in laundry and dishes. Will I always look back fondly at the days that I had time to both take a shower, and brush my teeth? I don't really have anything to base this off of. I mean, I know some mothers who have clean houses. They have nice cloths that they get to wear. The have brushed and dare I say styled hair. Their children likewise are also well groomed, and well behaved. So what am I doing wrong, or are some people just destined to be "this."

I spoke to a good friend of mine on Mother's Day. She patiently listen to all my belly aching and then said, "Don't be so hard on yourself."

And I did listen. I know that somethings are the way they are, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

But what about things that I can change. What things can I do to make my life simpler? How can I manage to get a shower, and still have time to eat? How can change the life that I have, and still hang on to the good things that I cherish about us and who we are. I like the fact that the kids can stay up later, and this means they sleep longer in the mornings meaning that I can choose to sleep longer, or get up, or read, or whatever I want. I like the fact that when I get Alyssa to bring me her hamper with all of her dirty cloths, she looks at me and smiles so innocently and says, "I love you when you wash my cloths." It's things like this that make my day.

So what is all this to say? I don't know, I am just rambling. :)

Tea Time!

I want to have a Mother's Day Tea. And if I can manage it, I am going to. I am going to invite the ladies of my family to come and enjoy some good time together. I wish that some of my closer friends lived closer so that I could invite them to come as well.
I think about ladies of the past. Friendships where so important. Often ladies would stop by and chat. They couldn't just call each other up on the phone. Don't get me wrong. I love the fact that I can call friends and talk on the phone. I am thankful for the Internet age where I can communicate with friends and family that live far away. But have we lost something. That face to face contact? Sitting across from someone that can be there to put a hand on your shoulder and say, I know what you have been though, I will be here. Or someone to come and just simply share in the day to day joys of life.
I wonder sometimes about my daughters. So many things have changed simply in my life time. What will change in theirs? How will communication change the face of their lives, change there relationships? I think about the movie Wall-E. Will our lives change so much, that we could go all day, weeks, months, possibly even years without really seeing the people around us?
So, I think I will have that Mother's Day Tea. And I will enjoy the relationships that are in my life.

FBOFW

This is the strip for today from FBOFW....it's exactly how I have been feeling lately.

Carpet Cleaning Crazy

I wanted to shampoo the carpet in the living room today. (I hate carpet!) I feel like there is no way to really keep it clean. Even if I never allowed any food in there, I still have two small children, and two dogs, and well, *stuff* happens. So I started first thing this morning cleaning the room, moving some furniture, getting ready. By after lunch I was ready to shampoo. With in moments this is what things where like. I look over and Makayla is bent down, trying to suck on the carpet I had just cleaned. Gross! And Alyssa is running around with her bear feet, singing, "I'm getting it dirty again, I'm getting it dirty again." Okay, new plan. I put Makayla on my back in my Ergo, and told Alyssa she had to stop walking on my clean carpet. Now she wasn't really going to do much harm, and hey, her feet where going to be clean, but I didn't like the thought process going on in her little head. Earlier she had asked me why the carpet got dirty. I explained that things got spilled, etc. and that simply being walked on every day helped to get it dirty.

In the end, my carpet is clean, and I am exhausted. :)

I am not alone!

Every week we get the Sunday paper. Mostly for two things--a.)coupons b.)comics. And most of the time I find one or two comics that I find funny. But lately my heart has strongly resenated with on inparticular. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed reading her lately. I have included the two that I can most relate to as of late. Literally it could be me in these strips. (By the way, I got the comics off of FBorFW.com And the comic strip is written by Lynn Johnson)

My Wonderful Husband

I just wanted to take a minute to publicly appreciate my husband. We all have those days where our husbands make us frustrated. And I know I make my husband frustrated at me. It's part of being married to another human being.

But I try to focus on the things that he does for me that are beautiful. Like last night. When he got home, he had a cup full of lemons for me. I love lemons, and he knows this. And he knows that its been a while since I bought any. Well, he had training at work, and they brought lunch in for them. So when all was said and done, there where some lemons left over, and he brought them to me. I love him so much!

Passover

My family and I are going to celebrate passover this year. Bennett and I both felt lead to. And so I started researching. I needed to know more about passover than I did, if we where going to celebrate. And what I found was very exciting. One of the best resources that I found for understanding the passover both the first one and what Jews, in particular Messianic Jews celebrate today, was this video. It really helped explain a lot.

So with that as my theme, here are a couple of recipes that I will be making for our passover celebration.

Charoseth

2 tart apples
1/2 cup walnuts
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon honey
1 tablespoon sweet Passover wine
Core apples (it is not necessary to peel them). Chop apples and walnuts together in food processor blender or by hand until finely chopped (the size of grape nuts) With a wooden spoon, stir in the cinnamon, honey and wine until well blended. Will serve 10-12 people. Serving is 1 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon per person on piece of matzah.


Matzah Kugel with Cheese

4-6 matzahs
4 eggs
1 pound cottage cheese
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons margarine or butter
Break matzahs into 2" pieces. Mix eggs with milk and reserve 1/2 cup of mixture. Mix the rest with the cottage cheese and seasoning. Dip the matzah into the reserved egg-milk mixture. Arrange these in layers in a greased 3-quart baking dish. Dot each layer with butter or margarine and the prepared cheese. The last layer should be matzah covered with any remaining milk-egg mixture. Bake at 350° for 35-40 minutes. Serves 4 to 6.

The answer to all my questions!

I am so thankful to have Alyssa. She is a joy to my life. She really is. Her witty sayings, her sweet smile, her energetic behavior. Plus, I recently discovered that she knows everything. Don't laugh it's true. If you need to know anything, just ask. She will either tell you the answer, or tell you "Remember, I already told you!"

The other day while sitting at the computer desk, trying to pay bills, I was overwhelmed by little people. They where crawling all over me. Whining about this and that. I absent mindedly asked into the heavens, why are they so whiny today. Alyssa looked at me sweetly and said, "Mommy, Makayla and I whine because we want your attention."

I am so glad that I have her to explain it all to me.

Swagbucks

So, I got a neat tip from a friend of mine. She always has these gift card for all kinds of stuff...(she is a couponer) and I had asked her how does she end up with so many cards. She told me about this site, where you get "swagbucks" for doing searches, and then you can redeem those for all kinds of stuff, including gift cards. The neat thing is that it searches google, who I usually use anyways. So, if you are interested, here is the link. Its a referral link, so I will get swagbucks when you do too! I have already almost got enough for a $5 gift card, and I have only been doing this a few days. Try it out.

http://swagbucks.com/?cmd=sb-register&rb=345506

It's been a while!

I know, its been a while. I have been very busy, because not only am I still the mother of two young ones, but there have been extra things on my plate. (IE helping my parents move)


PLUS,

(drum roll please)

I am pregnant!

We are very excited. A little surprised, but very happy. So far things have been going well. I have had a little nausea, but nothing that is too bad. And definitely not as bad as with Alyssa.

Alyssa is half way excited, and half way in denial. Sometimes she is excited that mommy has another baby that is going to grow in my tummy. And sometimes, she says, "no, we can't have more. What about Makayla, and then we will have more and more and more and then what will we do?" Well, she is three. :)

Makayla of course is too young to understand. She is however doing her best to get into everything and keep mommy doing things. She is walking like no ones business. Its crazy to see this little eight month old, literally run to her daddy when he gets home. Its kind of freaky.

Anways, I have started a new blog for the baby. And that is where I will put baby updates. :)
www.booba-juicebaby.blogspot.com

little girls

Most of what I write, most of what I read that others write is about the present. The now. Babies first steps, sleep deprived nights, whats on the stove for dinner. And, mostly I guess that's what it should be. It is who I am, for now, a mother of two, wife of one. I clean, and cook, and pay the bills. Sound familiar? I wake up with thoughts of to-do lists, and fall asleep thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and what still needs to be accomplished the next day. This is who I am.

But how did I become.....me?

Recently I have had the opportunity to be reminded of what has transpired to make me....well me. My mother, father, and siblings are getting ready to move. They have bought some land and are planning on building a house. I have been to their house a few times, helping my mother go through things. Sort through things. Decide what needs to be kept, what needs to be packed away. I hadn't realized how many reminders of my "growing up years" I had left behind. After I got married, I took a big box of what I considered my keep sakes. Mostly old notes from high school friends. Awards I got during school. Pictures of band trips. I am sure many of you have similar boxes. Some things I have gotten rid of. (IE letters from old boyfriends) And some of it I kept. I thought that I had "faced" everything. I was wrong.

In my mothers cedar chest I found a journal. How it found its way in there, I am not sure. I had forgotten that it even existed. It was from a time in my life that was very bleak, very confusing, and extremely scary. At least for me...(and probably my parents God bless them!) I started to just toss it out. But I couldn't. I felt compelled to read. To take a journey back to a different time. To, even if for a moment, relive some of what I went through, some of who I was. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. It amazes me the things that time takes away. The things that we tend to forget as we get older, as we grow.

As I read, I saw the picture of a young girl. A girl who was trying out her wings. Who was trying to fly on her own. A young girl who was scared. Emotional. Not sure of what she was, or who she wanted to be. It bought back the old thoughts, and feelings. Fears, and triumphs. Who was that girl, and how did she end up to be me? She that was so different in so many ways, and yet, we are the same. We have experienced the same stuff. I am just on the other side. Of course the girl didn't see the other side when she was there. Couldn't even if someone had told her exactly what was going to happen.

I am so blessed to be where I am today. I am thankful that God carried me through. That he kept me safe. I am thankful to the people that taught me so much along the way. I look at my girls, and I pray that I will be able to spare them, some of the heart ache, some of the pain. But sadly I know that I won't be able to, not all of it. The things that we go through, they are what shape our lives. What would we be, if not for those experiences that shape our lives.

That little girl is gone. She has grown. And gone through new pains, new joys. And what is left is the wisdom that was learned.