My children have to power to make my world. Last night, Alyssa was wanting some extra cuddle time. I had already tucked her in, and gone through all our bedtime routines. Her movie was on. (She always watches a movie going to bed. From the time she was little, she could never slow done enough to fall asleep. Watching a movie was the answer and usually she is out in just a few minutes.) However last night she kept coming back to our room, and wanting my attention. I could tell that she just needed a little extra. I was almost done getting Makayla down for the night, so I told her, in just a few minutes I will have Makayla down, and then I will come snuggle with you. She came back again. This time it was harder to convince her, but I did. Just a few moments later, I went to her room, and she was already asleep. In so many ways it broke my heart. I wanted so much to be with her at that moment, but there where other things that I had to do at the moment. I wished there where more of me to go around. I stood in the door way contemplating what to do. If I woke her up, she might not go back to sleep right away. If I left her to sleep, would she think that mommy never came? I woke her. The smile that she gave me, and the words that she said next made it all worth it. "love you mommy" I cuddled her up, and before I could even say I love you too, she was falling asleep. I said it any way. I said it several times.
Makayla does the same thing. Even now, as I type, I am holding her. I have the boppy, and am nursing her. I look down, and she smiles at me over my breast. Beautiful! She may not have any spoken words yet, but she still has the power when unspoken words.
Spoken or unspoken, words have power. I think of my own words. Do I use them for beautiful things, or do I use them to destroy. I say a tiny prayer, help me to make my words beautiful.
Thursday, August 28
Wednesday, August 27
One year ago...
One year ago, I was in Hawaii.
One year ago, I had been through what I thought was the longest year of my life.
One year ago, I was alone.
One year ago, I had a little toddler that didn't say much.
One year ago, I was excited my love was coming home.
One year ago, I was looking forward to the holidays.
One year ago, I was ...
Last year Bennett did a 7 month deployment. Right before that was a month of work-ups. And in the fall before that he was gone on a 2 1/2 month deployment. So essentially he was gone for a year, because even when he was home, he worked 6 and 7 day weeks, 12 to 16 hours a day. Tomorrow marks one year since he got home. I remember being so excited...and having so many thing that I wanted to have ready. To have prepared for his homecoming. Alyssa and I made a couple of welcome home signs. I got an new outfit. I redecorated our room and bathroom. I was a military wife...and this is what I lived for. Homecoming. If you are military wife, you can probably relate. It is like you have two lives. One when he is home and one when he is gone. You have to be. When you are able to take care of children, the house, finances, etc...you become very independent...or at least most of us do. And yet, when they are home, they take over part of your life....and you welcome it like drought does rain.
Well, now we are out of the military. Its one year later. Homecoming is over. Life has continued. We still have our happiness, and we still have our defeats. Life, moves on. The question on my mind is, have I recovered? Have I put back together the pieces that are me?
One year ago, I had been through what I thought was the longest year of my life.
One year ago, I was alone.
One year ago, I had a little toddler that didn't say much.
One year ago, I was excited my love was coming home.
One year ago, I was looking forward to the holidays.
One year ago, I was ...
Last year Bennett did a 7 month deployment. Right before that was a month of work-ups. And in the fall before that he was gone on a 2 1/2 month deployment. So essentially he was gone for a year, because even when he was home, he worked 6 and 7 day weeks, 12 to 16 hours a day. Tomorrow marks one year since he got home. I remember being so excited...and having so many thing that I wanted to have ready. To have prepared for his homecoming. Alyssa and I made a couple of welcome home signs. I got an new outfit. I redecorated our room and bathroom. I was a military wife...and this is what I lived for. Homecoming. If you are military wife, you can probably relate. It is like you have two lives. One when he is home and one when he is gone. You have to be. When you are able to take care of children, the house, finances, etc...you become very independent...or at least most of us do. And yet, when they are home, they take over part of your life....and you welcome it like drought does rain.
Well, now we are out of the military. Its one year later. Homecoming is over. Life has continued. We still have our happiness, and we still have our defeats. Life, moves on. The question on my mind is, have I recovered? Have I put back together the pieces that are me?
Tuesday, August 26
Stupid Doctors
Well dinner is on....Alyssa is watching a movie, and Makayla is swinging in her swing.
Another day is almost down.
So here is my *%$#@^&* for the day. I am so mad that I don't even know what to call it. A good friend of my was having her baby. Her doctor insisted that she be induced today. Without going into specifics for the sake of her privacy, it wasn't needed. But he is a jerk, and shouldn't be a doctor. Why do most OB/GYNs lack basic understanding and knowledge? It is a wonder that the human race made it at all, considering how long we had to go without their help to have a child. Hearing her story today made me so thankful that I was able to go to a midwife for all of my care with my two girls. Don't get me wrong...I am thankful that we have doctors that are there for emergencies. But having a child isn't one of those times. He did an episeautomy (SP?) after they baby was already crowning. She was doing fine...no tearing...but no, he couldn't leave well enough alone. The whole thing makes me so mad that I feel like crying and tearing into him all at once.
But thankfully, she and the baby are doing well. She was able to deliver vaginally, which is what she wanted most of all. And now she is armed with the knowledge she needs to make things different next time. I keep thinking that surely not all OBs are bad, that surely there are some out there that care, and do a good job, but I have yet to find one.
Well we have finished dinner, put the girls to bed, and now I am finally able to sit down and finish this. I can't wait to crawl into bed myself. I have had a headache most of the day. :) I look forward to sleep!!!
Another day is almost down.
So here is my *%$#@^&* for the day. I am so mad that I don't even know what to call it. A good friend of my was having her baby. Her doctor insisted that she be induced today. Without going into specifics for the sake of her privacy, it wasn't needed. But he is a jerk, and shouldn't be a doctor. Why do most OB/GYNs lack basic understanding and knowledge? It is a wonder that the human race made it at all, considering how long we had to go without their help to have a child. Hearing her story today made me so thankful that I was able to go to a midwife for all of my care with my two girls. Don't get me wrong...I am thankful that we have doctors that are there for emergencies. But having a child isn't one of those times. He did an episeautomy (SP?) after they baby was already crowning. She was doing fine...no tearing...but no, he couldn't leave well enough alone. The whole thing makes me so mad that I feel like crying and tearing into him all at once.
But thankfully, she and the baby are doing well. She was able to deliver vaginally, which is what she wanted most of all. And now she is armed with the knowledge she needs to make things different next time. I keep thinking that surely not all OBs are bad, that surely there are some out there that care, and do a good job, but I have yet to find one.
Well we have finished dinner, put the girls to bed, and now I am finally able to sit down and finish this. I can't wait to crawl into bed myself. I have had a headache most of the day. :) I look forward to sleep!!!
Monday, August 25
Why am I awake
Its 4 am. And here I am.....awake....the girls are sleeping....
I am not....
After laying in bed, for a good 45 minutes, going to the bathroom for the second time...here I sit.
I look at some blogs....think about how long it takes my computer to load....wonder if I will ever get one that is faster...and decided to write.
Yesterday proved to be a great day. We made it to that birthday party, no one cared that we where a good 30 min late. (I had to go back into the house 3 times to get things that I had forgotten, and even then, once we had gotten down the road, I realized that I had forgotten sunscreen, and since it was a outdoor birthday party, at a park, in August, at 2:30pm, in Texas, we had to go back and get it.) But we had fun none the less. And best part of all, it wore Alyssa out. Don't you love it when the kids get a good work out chasing other kids around.
After the party we went to Walmart, since I needed ONE thing, and I hadn't been in the last 48 hours....(sometimes it seems like there is always a reason to go to walmart.) After about 30 minutes of walking around, threatening Alyssa to stop whining, and enjoying the fact that Makayla is fast asleep in her Ergo, I take the girls to the car while Hubby checks out. I put Alyssa in her car seat, walk around to put Makayla in, and Alyssa is already asleep.
Why, can't I fall asleep that fast? I am just as tired...(if not more)...and I have a nice comfortable bed. But once I wake up...then there are a hundred and one things to think about. Don't forget to call the bank first time in the morning. Will we get this house that we are looking at? Will we get into a house by Thanksgiving. Was that Alyssa I heard. Why does the dog always lay at my side on the foot of the bed. I loved seeing the pictures my friend recently sent, I can't believe how big the girls are getting, and how much I miss them since we moved. The list goes on and on...all these different things that I am thinking about. WHEN I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!!! I sit here and wonder if I have Adult ADD....and then decide that while I may have AADD, I probably won't ever do anything about it, like that one mole that I have been meaning to go to the doctor and have checked out...but haven't. Not because I couldn't, just because I can't ever remember to make the call, to get the appointment, when they are open...no that's the kind of thing that I remember at 4 am. So while there might be something that I could do about AADD, it won't happen because the only time I remember it is at 4am.
I check on Alyssa, and she is sleeping sitting up. She must have woken up, started to get out of bed, and fell back asleep. (is she mocking me?)
Hubby doesn't understand. His head hits the pillow and he is out. I learned early in our marriage that if I had anything that I needed to talk about, I better do it before he got in bed. Me, I need to let my mind defrag. Him, he is out...
Well, maybe I can go to sleep now. Most likely I will fall asleep about the time one of the girls wakes up. :P
I am not....
After laying in bed, for a good 45 minutes, going to the bathroom for the second time...here I sit.
I look at some blogs....think about how long it takes my computer to load....wonder if I will ever get one that is faster...and decided to write.
Yesterday proved to be a great day. We made it to that birthday party, no one cared that we where a good 30 min late. (I had to go back into the house 3 times to get things that I had forgotten, and even then, once we had gotten down the road, I realized that I had forgotten sunscreen, and since it was a outdoor birthday party, at a park, in August, at 2:30pm, in Texas, we had to go back and get it.) But we had fun none the less. And best part of all, it wore Alyssa out. Don't you love it when the kids get a good work out chasing other kids around.
After the party we went to Walmart, since I needed ONE thing, and I hadn't been in the last 48 hours....(sometimes it seems like there is always a reason to go to walmart.) After about 30 minutes of walking around, threatening Alyssa to stop whining, and enjoying the fact that Makayla is fast asleep in her Ergo, I take the girls to the car while Hubby checks out. I put Alyssa in her car seat, walk around to put Makayla in, and Alyssa is already asleep.
Why, can't I fall asleep that fast? I am just as tired...(if not more)...and I have a nice comfortable bed. But once I wake up...then there are a hundred and one things to think about. Don't forget to call the bank first time in the morning. Will we get this house that we are looking at? Will we get into a house by Thanksgiving. Was that Alyssa I heard. Why does the dog always lay at my side on the foot of the bed. I loved seeing the pictures my friend recently sent, I can't believe how big the girls are getting, and how much I miss them since we moved. The list goes on and on...all these different things that I am thinking about. WHEN I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!!! I sit here and wonder if I have Adult ADD....and then decide that while I may have AADD, I probably won't ever do anything about it, like that one mole that I have been meaning to go to the doctor and have checked out...but haven't. Not because I couldn't, just because I can't ever remember to make the call, to get the appointment, when they are open...no that's the kind of thing that I remember at 4 am. So while there might be something that I could do about AADD, it won't happen because the only time I remember it is at 4am.
I check on Alyssa, and she is sleeping sitting up. She must have woken up, started to get out of bed, and fell back asleep. (is she mocking me?)
Hubby doesn't understand. His head hits the pillow and he is out. I learned early in our marriage that if I had anything that I needed to talk about, I better do it before he got in bed. Me, I need to let my mind defrag. Him, he is out...
Well, maybe I can go to sleep now. Most likely I will fall asleep about the time one of the girls wakes up. :P
Sunday, August 24
Dawn of a New Era...
I had a thought in the middle of the night. You know, that space of tme between trying to get the girls down for the second time...and sleep. (which seems to be longer and longer lately...) There has to be others like me....this is a big world. Suddenly the theme from America Tale, where they sing "somewhere out there" starts playing in my head. I am not that original. I am just a wife, and a mother, trying to get through another day. And although the days are very different right now, and a lot harder in so many ways, they they are still just another day. (my husband recently separated from the military, and we are staying with my parents until we find a house)
So Booba Juice was born. I wanted some where I could share life's silliness, and frustrations. The name Booba Juice, comes from my three year old. Right after her sister was born...(she is almost three months)...and my daughter, who still nurses sometimes, came up in my lap for some cuddle time. Not wanting to make her feel unloved in the aftermath of getting a new sibling, I say yes when she asks for some booba's...that's what she has called them as long as she could talk. We lift my shirt and she latches on...suddenly there is a smile on her face, as she declares "there's juice in there!" For the most part she was only nursing in the evenings when she was tired. Now, routinely she craws up in my lap, and asks for booba juice. Like right now. I am trying to take a coveted "moments peace" as I call it. My hubby has the youngest...and I am working on the computer. Alyssa craws up in my lap. The conversation went something like this.
A: mama...mama...mommy....mommy...mom...mom...mommmmmmmmeeeeee.
me: Yes...
A: I want boobas...
me: not right now baby....
A: (whining now) Pleeeease....
me: Alyssa, we don't whine when we want something...
A: But I'm sooooo hungry....
me: we just had lunch, you should have eaten more...if you are still hungry go get a cheese stick out of the refrigerator...
A climbs down and goes to get said cheese. In just a few moments here she comes again...
A: I want to sit in your lap.
At this point I think...I held you most of the night. I played with you this morning...I just want a MOMENTS PEACE....But I love her....so I look at her and smile....
me: of course you can sweety...climb on up here.
All the while I have been typing...and she is climbing over me. She finishes her cheese, and asks for boobas again. I picture her going off to college and asking for boobas.
me: baby, we will have boobas before bed. Not right now. I love you. Do you want some fruit? Something to drink. Mommy will get you some milk.
At this point she has started crying...I think it is time for a nap. I look at the clock...man, its 1pm already, I have got to get those cloths in the dryer or we will be late for the birthday party...I am thinking all this as she is rubbing her snotty noes, all over the front of my shirt.
Back from changing out the laundry, she is still clinging to me...and as I finish up this post I think to myself. Everyone must have these moments...surely....
PS...She won, she nursed for two min and fell asleep.
So Booba Juice was born. I wanted some where I could share life's silliness, and frustrations. The name Booba Juice, comes from my three year old. Right after her sister was born...(she is almost three months)...and my daughter, who still nurses sometimes, came up in my lap for some cuddle time. Not wanting to make her feel unloved in the aftermath of getting a new sibling, I say yes when she asks for some booba's...that's what she has called them as long as she could talk. We lift my shirt and she latches on...suddenly there is a smile on her face, as she declares "there's juice in there!" For the most part she was only nursing in the evenings when she was tired. Now, routinely she craws up in my lap, and asks for booba juice. Like right now. I am trying to take a coveted "moments peace" as I call it. My hubby has the youngest...and I am working on the computer. Alyssa craws up in my lap. The conversation went something like this.
A: mama...mama...mommy....mommy...mom...mom...mommmmmmmmeeeeee.
me: Yes...
A: I want boobas...
me: not right now baby....
A: (whining now) Pleeeease....
me: Alyssa, we don't whine when we want something...
A: But I'm sooooo hungry....
me: we just had lunch, you should have eaten more...if you are still hungry go get a cheese stick out of the refrigerator...
A climbs down and goes to get said cheese. In just a few moments here she comes again...
A: I want to sit in your lap.
At this point I think...I held you most of the night. I played with you this morning...I just want a MOMENTS PEACE....But I love her....so I look at her and smile....
me: of course you can sweety...climb on up here.
All the while I have been typing...and she is climbing over me. She finishes her cheese, and asks for boobas again. I picture her going off to college and asking for boobas.
me: baby, we will have boobas before bed. Not right now. I love you. Do you want some fruit? Something to drink. Mommy will get you some milk.
At this point she has started crying...I think it is time for a nap. I look at the clock...man, its 1pm already, I have got to get those cloths in the dryer or we will be late for the birthday party...I am thinking all this as she is rubbing her snotty noes, all over the front of my shirt.
Back from changing out the laundry, she is still clinging to me...and as I finish up this post I think to myself. Everyone must have these moments...surely....
PS...She won, she nursed for two min and fell asleep.
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