little girls

Most of what I write, most of what I read that others write is about the present. The now. Babies first steps, sleep deprived nights, whats on the stove for dinner. And, mostly I guess that's what it should be. It is who I am, for now, a mother of two, wife of one. I clean, and cook, and pay the bills. Sound familiar? I wake up with thoughts of to-do lists, and fall asleep thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and what still needs to be accomplished the next day. This is who I am.

But how did I become.....me?

Recently I have had the opportunity to be reminded of what has transpired to make me....well me. My mother, father, and siblings are getting ready to move. They have bought some land and are planning on building a house. I have been to their house a few times, helping my mother go through things. Sort through things. Decide what needs to be kept, what needs to be packed away. I hadn't realized how many reminders of my "growing up years" I had left behind. After I got married, I took a big box of what I considered my keep sakes. Mostly old notes from high school friends. Awards I got during school. Pictures of band trips. I am sure many of you have similar boxes. Some things I have gotten rid of. (IE letters from old boyfriends) And some of it I kept. I thought that I had "faced" everything. I was wrong.

In my mothers cedar chest I found a journal. How it found its way in there, I am not sure. I had forgotten that it even existed. It was from a time in my life that was very bleak, very confusing, and extremely scary. At least for me...(and probably my parents God bless them!) I started to just toss it out. But I couldn't. I felt compelled to read. To take a journey back to a different time. To, even if for a moment, relive some of what I went through, some of who I was. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. It amazes me the things that time takes away. The things that we tend to forget as we get older, as we grow.

As I read, I saw the picture of a young girl. A girl who was trying out her wings. Who was trying to fly on her own. A young girl who was scared. Emotional. Not sure of what she was, or who she wanted to be. It bought back the old thoughts, and feelings. Fears, and triumphs. Who was that girl, and how did she end up to be me? She that was so different in so many ways, and yet, we are the same. We have experienced the same stuff. I am just on the other side. Of course the girl didn't see the other side when she was there. Couldn't even if someone had told her exactly what was going to happen.

I am so blessed to be where I am today. I am thankful that God carried me through. That he kept me safe. I am thankful to the people that taught me so much along the way. I look at my girls, and I pray that I will be able to spare them, some of the heart ache, some of the pain. But sadly I know that I won't be able to, not all of it. The things that we go through, they are what shape our lives. What would we be, if not for those experiences that shape our lives.

That little girl is gone. She has grown. And gone through new pains, new joys. And what is left is the wisdom that was learned.