Rest In Peace Beaner

On one of the blogs that I read regularly, there was a post. A post about a woman, needed to decide what to do with her baby. She had upon discovering that she was pregnant first had decide weather to abort or not. I was rejoicing as I read that she determined to keep her child. And then she had to decide weather or not to put the baby up for adoption. She decided to keep her child. There where circumstances that I couldn't possibly understand. I couldn't possibly know. But this guest post on this blog that I sometime read and mostly get laughs from, had suddenly touched my heart. I started reading while pregnant, and just after Makayla was born.

Today, as I sat enjoying a few moments of peace before my girls woke up, I log on to catch up on my blog friends. And I read this. Beaner died of SIDS back in October. I am filled with grief. And then as I sit crying, I feel guilty. It is not my grief to have. It was not my baby. Oh, Father in Heaven, thank you that it wasn't my baby. I feel guilty again. I sit for a moment. I pray, Lord please touch her heart. Heal that hurt that I am so thankful that I don't know. I can not type, I cannot see. My vision is blurred by my tears. I don't understand. It brings back questions that I don't have answers to.

I hear my girls. They have woken up, and are playing together in Makayla's bed. I wipe my tears. I will go to them. And hug them, and Cherish them. I will try to remember, always remember, the joy it is to have them in my life. Even when I am tired of cleaning the dirty diapers, the messy toys. Even when I sometimes wish that I could go to the bathroom by myself, I will remember. And Cherish them for as long as possibly, and I pray that is a very very very long time.