Books I am reading

So I have been reading this book for my devotional time the last two or so weeks. And I am really enjoying it. It is not a new book, and it isn't the first time that I have looked at it, or even read some of it. It's by Stormie O'Martin and its called "Power of a Praying Wife." I have been doing one new chapter/topic a day. It really has been great. And it has opened up my prayer life like it hasn't been opened up in a long time.

So then the other day I was at half priced books, (love that store) and I found another one of her books, "Power of a Praying Mother." I am really looking forward to this one as well.

I guess I am just a "Selfish Mommy"

For the most part, I have not been very vocal about my thoughts on birth. I have taken the stance of "women need to do what they are comfortable with" and "you need to do what is right for you." But lately I am amazed at the amount of criticism and misunderstanding surrounding my choice to give birth at home with a CPM. And while I do still hold to the believe that if a woman feels that the best place for her to give birth is in a hospital then that is where she needs to be. However, I am tired of women getting misinformation from the family, friends, and even the doctors that are supposed to be helping them.

I do not claim to be an authority on the subject. And I am not always good at expressing my point so that it comes across where others can understand what I am trying to say. But I am going to attempt to do my best.

I am saddened and enraged when I hear of my friends and family and how they have been treated by the obstetrics community. I am not naive. I know that things do not always turn out the way we think they will. But time after time I have seen, even with my own eyes, how the very person that a woman as trusted to help her give birth becomes the very thing that hurts her and her baby. And why? Are these doctors less educated? Do they not know their profession well enough? Have they not had enough study on how to help women give birth?

I believe they do know their profession well. They are in the profession to make money. And to make money, they do not need healthy patients. Healthy patients do not pay out enough. Now, let me be clear. I believe that there are some wonderful doctors out there. They truly care for their patients, and do well by them. But they are coming fewer and farther between.

The biggest reason that I have chosen midwives and home birth is because I don't want to become one of their numbers. I do not want to allow myself and my unborn baby to be subjected to numerous interventions that will then cause more problems, and turn into a case where even more interventions are needed to fix the very problem that they created to begin with. The movie The Business of Being Born stated it so well. If you are pregnant, will ever be pregnant, or know someone who is and have not watched this film and urge you to. Birth is a miracle, a rite of passage, a natural part of life. But birth is also big business.

I would like to know why America is so far behind other developed countries. Places like Denmark, Sweden, and the Netherlands midwifery is the primary model of care.

The organization of maternity services in Denmark, Sweden, and the Netherlands
was studied under the sponsorship of the World Health Organization European
Headquarters Office of Maternal and Child Health. Midwifery care is highly
respected and is a central feature of obstetric care in each of these countries.
In Denmark and Sweden, almost all births are in the hospital, and autonomous
midwives are employed by national health services. About three-quarters of Dutch
midwives are in independent practice, and 34% of Dutch women give birth at home.
In each country midwives provide "the first line" of care for normal pregnant
women and are viewed as essential to the excellent perinatal outcomes these
three countries enjoy."- Models of midwifery care. Denmark, Sweden, and The
Netherlands.

It should be noted, that the maternal mortality rate in Denmark was 5 deaths per 100,000 live births according to the World Health Organization's Maternal Mortality in 2000 report. Compare that to the United States where the maternal death rate was 17 deaths per 100,000 live births.

According to Citizens for Midwifery, a number of rigorous scientific studies
published in leading medical journals have found that for a healthy woman
having a normal pregnancy, a planned, midwife-attended home birth is as safe
as a hospital birth and with far lower rates of medical interventions.

So why does the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists continue to blast home births and CPMs? In the ACOG's Statement on Home births they imply that I am a bad mother because I am choosing an experience of the health of my baby.

"Childbirth decisions should not be dictated or influenced by what's fashionable, trendy, or the latest cause célèbre. Despite the rosy picture painted by home birth advocates, a seemingly normal labor and delivery can quickly become life-threatening for both the mother and baby. Attempting a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) at home is especially dangerous because if the uterus ruptures during labor, both the mother and baby face an emergency situation with potentially catastrophic consequences, including death. Unless a woman is in a hospital, an accredited freestanding birthing center, or a birthing center within a hospital complex, with physicians ready to intervene quickly if necessary, she puts herself and her baby's health and life at unnecessary risk.

ACOG encourages all pregnant women to get prenatal care and to make a birth
plan. The main goal should be a healthy and safe outcome for both mother and
baby. Choosing to deliver a baby at home, however, is to place the process of
giving birth over the goal of having a healthy baby. For women who choose a
midwife to help deliver their baby, it is critical that they choose only
ACNM-certified or AMCB-certified midwives that collaborate with a physician to
deliver their baby in a hospital, hospital-based birthing center, or properly
accredited freestanding birth center. "

My biggest question from all of this is what about all the things that happen at the hospital? Take a moment to think about all of the births you have either experienced or heard about in a hospital setting. How many times do you hear the words, oh everything was so wonderful, nothing went wrong. I felt in control of my birth, and it was beautiful. My baby was alert and active afterwards and nursed easily. Almost never! However if you speak to mothers who have had the care of a midwife and had a home birth you will hear just that. Does this not seem a little odd to anyone else?

The biggest lie that women in our country have given in to is that they can't birth naturally. They are not able of handling the pain. (by the way, no one ever died from pain) That their bodies are designed to be able to deliver. That is simply not the case, and I look forward to the day when more women can stand up and say together, "We can birth our babies, and we can do so naturally!" I know that some women simply can't fathom having a child in their homes. But I would encourage them to find out why, not give in to fear, and do the research for themselves. Don't have your child anywhere simply because that is what someone else has told you to do. The second lie would be that you don't have the choice.

I have had two beautiful experiences with midwives. My first daughter was born at home with a CPM, and my second daughter was born at an independent birth center with a CPM. My family is looking forward to the birth of our third daughter then end of September, who will be born at home with the help of a CPM. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I see a system of health care that is not working. People go to doctors to get help, and many many times, they end up worse off. I am not saying that all doctors are bad. Please hear me on this point. But having a baby usually is not a medical emergency. I believe that God made our bodies. And our bodies work when we take care of them.

Hummmena, hummmmmena, hummmmena.

Okay, so things have been crazy lately. I figure that in and of itself is normal, seeing as I have a 3 1/2 year old, and a *gasp* 11 month old. (I can't believe that she is about to be a year old) And that I am five months pregnant as of yesterday. But I find myself wondering lately, if things will ever be easier. I mean, while I always be knee deep in laundry and dishes. Will I always look back fondly at the days that I had time to both take a shower, and brush my teeth? I don't really have anything to base this off of. I mean, I know some mothers who have clean houses. They have nice cloths that they get to wear. The have brushed and dare I say styled hair. Their children likewise are also well groomed, and well behaved. So what am I doing wrong, or are some people just destined to be "this."

I spoke to a good friend of mine on Mother's Day. She patiently listen to all my belly aching and then said, "Don't be so hard on yourself."

And I did listen. I know that somethings are the way they are, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

But what about things that I can change. What things can I do to make my life simpler? How can I manage to get a shower, and still have time to eat? How can change the life that I have, and still hang on to the good things that I cherish about us and who we are. I like the fact that the kids can stay up later, and this means they sleep longer in the mornings meaning that I can choose to sleep longer, or get up, or read, or whatever I want. I like the fact that when I get Alyssa to bring me her hamper with all of her dirty cloths, she looks at me and smiles so innocently and says, "I love you when you wash my cloths." It's things like this that make my day.

So what is all this to say? I don't know, I am just rambling. :)

Tea Time!

I want to have a Mother's Day Tea. And if I can manage it, I am going to. I am going to invite the ladies of my family to come and enjoy some good time together. I wish that some of my closer friends lived closer so that I could invite them to come as well.
I think about ladies of the past. Friendships where so important. Often ladies would stop by and chat. They couldn't just call each other up on the phone. Don't get me wrong. I love the fact that I can call friends and talk on the phone. I am thankful for the Internet age where I can communicate with friends and family that live far away. But have we lost something. That face to face contact? Sitting across from someone that can be there to put a hand on your shoulder and say, I know what you have been though, I will be here. Or someone to come and just simply share in the day to day joys of life.
I wonder sometimes about my daughters. So many things have changed simply in my life time. What will change in theirs? How will communication change the face of their lives, change there relationships? I think about the movie Wall-E. Will our lives change so much, that we could go all day, weeks, months, possibly even years without really seeing the people around us?
So, I think I will have that Mother's Day Tea. And I will enjoy the relationships that are in my life.

FBOFW

This is the strip for today from FBOFW....it's exactly how I have been feeling lately.

Carpet Cleaning Crazy

I wanted to shampoo the carpet in the living room today. (I hate carpet!) I feel like there is no way to really keep it clean. Even if I never allowed any food in there, I still have two small children, and two dogs, and well, *stuff* happens. So I started first thing this morning cleaning the room, moving some furniture, getting ready. By after lunch I was ready to shampoo. With in moments this is what things where like. I look over and Makayla is bent down, trying to suck on the carpet I had just cleaned. Gross! And Alyssa is running around with her bear feet, singing, "I'm getting it dirty again, I'm getting it dirty again." Okay, new plan. I put Makayla on my back in my Ergo, and told Alyssa she had to stop walking on my clean carpet. Now she wasn't really going to do much harm, and hey, her feet where going to be clean, but I didn't like the thought process going on in her little head. Earlier she had asked me why the carpet got dirty. I explained that things got spilled, etc. and that simply being walked on every day helped to get it dirty.

In the end, my carpet is clean, and I am exhausted. :)

I am not alone!

Every week we get the Sunday paper. Mostly for two things--a.)coupons b.)comics. And most of the time I find one or two comics that I find funny. But lately my heart has strongly resenated with on inparticular. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed reading her lately. I have included the two that I can most relate to as of late. Literally it could be me in these strips. (By the way, I got the comics off of FBorFW.com And the comic strip is written by Lynn Johnson)

My Wonderful Husband

I just wanted to take a minute to publicly appreciate my husband. We all have those days where our husbands make us frustrated. And I know I make my husband frustrated at me. It's part of being married to another human being.

But I try to focus on the things that he does for me that are beautiful. Like last night. When he got home, he had a cup full of lemons for me. I love lemons, and he knows this. And he knows that its been a while since I bought any. Well, he had training at work, and they brought lunch in for them. So when all was said and done, there where some lemons left over, and he brought them to me. I love him so much!

Passover

My family and I are going to celebrate passover this year. Bennett and I both felt lead to. And so I started researching. I needed to know more about passover than I did, if we where going to celebrate. And what I found was very exciting. One of the best resources that I found for understanding the passover both the first one and what Jews, in particular Messianic Jews celebrate today, was this video. It really helped explain a lot.

So with that as my theme, here are a couple of recipes that I will be making for our passover celebration.

Charoseth

2 tart apples
1/2 cup walnuts
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon honey
1 tablespoon sweet Passover wine
Core apples (it is not necessary to peel them). Chop apples and walnuts together in food processor blender or by hand until finely chopped (the size of grape nuts) With a wooden spoon, stir in the cinnamon, honey and wine until well blended. Will serve 10-12 people. Serving is 1 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon per person on piece of matzah.


Matzah Kugel with Cheese

4-6 matzahs
4 eggs
1 pound cottage cheese
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons margarine or butter
Break matzahs into 2" pieces. Mix eggs with milk and reserve 1/2 cup of mixture. Mix the rest with the cottage cheese and seasoning. Dip the matzah into the reserved egg-milk mixture. Arrange these in layers in a greased 3-quart baking dish. Dot each layer with butter or margarine and the prepared cheese. The last layer should be matzah covered with any remaining milk-egg mixture. Bake at 350° for 35-40 minutes. Serves 4 to 6.

The answer to all my questions!

I am so thankful to have Alyssa. She is a joy to my life. She really is. Her witty sayings, her sweet smile, her energetic behavior. Plus, I recently discovered that she knows everything. Don't laugh it's true. If you need to know anything, just ask. She will either tell you the answer, or tell you "Remember, I already told you!"

The other day while sitting at the computer desk, trying to pay bills, I was overwhelmed by little people. They where crawling all over me. Whining about this and that. I absent mindedly asked into the heavens, why are they so whiny today. Alyssa looked at me sweetly and said, "Mommy, Makayla and I whine because we want your attention."

I am so glad that I have her to explain it all to me.

Swagbucks

So, I got a neat tip from a friend of mine. She always has these gift card for all kinds of stuff...(she is a couponer) and I had asked her how does she end up with so many cards. She told me about this site, where you get "swagbucks" for doing searches, and then you can redeem those for all kinds of stuff, including gift cards. The neat thing is that it searches google, who I usually use anyways. So, if you are interested, here is the link. Its a referral link, so I will get swagbucks when you do too! I have already almost got enough for a $5 gift card, and I have only been doing this a few days. Try it out.

http://swagbucks.com/?cmd=sb-register&rb=345506

It's been a while!

I know, its been a while. I have been very busy, because not only am I still the mother of two young ones, but there have been extra things on my plate. (IE helping my parents move)


PLUS,

(drum roll please)

I am pregnant!

We are very excited. A little surprised, but very happy. So far things have been going well. I have had a little nausea, but nothing that is too bad. And definitely not as bad as with Alyssa.

Alyssa is half way excited, and half way in denial. Sometimes she is excited that mommy has another baby that is going to grow in my tummy. And sometimes, she says, "no, we can't have more. What about Makayla, and then we will have more and more and more and then what will we do?" Well, she is three. :)

Makayla of course is too young to understand. She is however doing her best to get into everything and keep mommy doing things. She is walking like no ones business. Its crazy to see this little eight month old, literally run to her daddy when he gets home. Its kind of freaky.

Anways, I have started a new blog for the baby. And that is where I will put baby updates. :)
www.booba-juicebaby.blogspot.com

little girls

Most of what I write, most of what I read that others write is about the present. The now. Babies first steps, sleep deprived nights, whats on the stove for dinner. And, mostly I guess that's what it should be. It is who I am, for now, a mother of two, wife of one. I clean, and cook, and pay the bills. Sound familiar? I wake up with thoughts of to-do lists, and fall asleep thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and what still needs to be accomplished the next day. This is who I am.

But how did I become.....me?

Recently I have had the opportunity to be reminded of what has transpired to make me....well me. My mother, father, and siblings are getting ready to move. They have bought some land and are planning on building a house. I have been to their house a few times, helping my mother go through things. Sort through things. Decide what needs to be kept, what needs to be packed away. I hadn't realized how many reminders of my "growing up years" I had left behind. After I got married, I took a big box of what I considered my keep sakes. Mostly old notes from high school friends. Awards I got during school. Pictures of band trips. I am sure many of you have similar boxes. Some things I have gotten rid of. (IE letters from old boyfriends) And some of it I kept. I thought that I had "faced" everything. I was wrong.

In my mothers cedar chest I found a journal. How it found its way in there, I am not sure. I had forgotten that it even existed. It was from a time in my life that was very bleak, very confusing, and extremely scary. At least for me...(and probably my parents God bless them!) I started to just toss it out. But I couldn't. I felt compelled to read. To take a journey back to a different time. To, even if for a moment, relive some of what I went through, some of who I was. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. It amazes me the things that time takes away. The things that we tend to forget as we get older, as we grow.

As I read, I saw the picture of a young girl. A girl who was trying out her wings. Who was trying to fly on her own. A young girl who was scared. Emotional. Not sure of what she was, or who she wanted to be. It bought back the old thoughts, and feelings. Fears, and triumphs. Who was that girl, and how did she end up to be me? She that was so different in so many ways, and yet, we are the same. We have experienced the same stuff. I am just on the other side. Of course the girl didn't see the other side when she was there. Couldn't even if someone had told her exactly what was going to happen.

I am so blessed to be where I am today. I am thankful that God carried me through. That he kept me safe. I am thankful to the people that taught me so much along the way. I look at my girls, and I pray that I will be able to spare them, some of the heart ache, some of the pain. But sadly I know that I won't be able to, not all of it. The things that we go through, they are what shape our lives. What would we be, if not for those experiences that shape our lives.

That little girl is gone. She has grown. And gone through new pains, new joys. And what is left is the wisdom that was learned.

Soups

Our heat is out. Hopefully they will fix it tomorrow. In the mean time I have been making soup. There is just something about it being cold, that makes me crave soup. As a little girl, I remember my mom making soups when it would start to get cold outside. :)

This is an original. I even measured stuff tonight so that I could share the recipe. (Those that know me well know that I rarely measure things.)



Broccoli Soup

4 cups frozen broccoli
1 large onion
3 cloves of garlic
2 T olive oil
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups water
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
salt and pepper to taste
potato flakes (enough to thicken to desired consistency I use about 3/4 cup)

In large stock pot cook frozen broccoli with just enough water to cover bottom of pot. Cook 15 minutes, or until mushy. Meanwhile in a small skillet, cook diced onion and pressed garlic until caramelized. Once broccoli is done, let it cool for a few minutes, then put into a food processor and run until mashed. If you don't like large chucks of onion, add onion mixture. Other wise return broccoli and onion mixture back to pot. Turn stove to medium high heat. Add cream and water. Salt and pepper to taste. Once it has returned to a boil, turn off heat and add cheese. Stir until melted in. If soup is too thin add potato flakes.

Soup Bread Bowls

2 can Pillsbury pizza dough
olive oil
Parmesan cheese

Unroll can of dough. Cut half. Place on slightly greased baking sheet. With palm of hand smush down on dough to make a mound. Brush with olive oil, and sprinkle with fresh Parmesan. Bake in a 375 degree oven until golden brown. Let cool for a few minutes. Cut out well in center. Cube remaining bread. Place your favorite soup in bread bowl. Enjoy!

Give Good Blog

A blogger that I read out of Canada came up with the idea of "Give Good Blog." The idea is based upon pay it forward mentalities. And I have decided to join. I haven't decided what my first act is going to be yet. I will need to think about it. But I will let you know soon!

Cinnamon Rolls

So several people from Facebook have asked me for the recipe to the homemade cinnamon rolls that I made today. The recipe that I used came from my Better Homes and Gardens Cook Book. The recipe seems lengthy, and detailed, but it really isn't that bad. I mixed the dough, and kneaded it in my Kitchen Aid mixer. It worked really well. I really think they tasted just as good as Cinnabon cinnamon rolls.

Cinnamon Rolls

4 3/4 to 5 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 package active dry yeast
1 cup milk
1/3 cup butter
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 eggs
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/3 cup butter or margarine
1 tablespoon half-and-half or light cream
Vanilla Glaze (recipe below)

In a large mixing bowl combine 2 1/4 cups of the flour and the yeast. In a saucepan heat and stir milk, 1/3 cup butter, granulated sugar, and salt just until warm (120F to 130F) and butter almost melts; add to flour mixture along with eggs. Beat with electric mixer on low speed for 30 seconds, scraping bowl. Beat on high speed for 3 minutes. Sir in as much remaining flour as possible. (I simply added a little four at a time to my Kitchen Aid, with the beater attachment on. Then I placed the dough hook attachment on.)

Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface. Knead in enough of the remaining flour to make a moderately soft dough that is smooth and elastic. (3 to 5 minutes total) Shape dough into a ball. Place in a greased bowl; turn once. Cover; let rise in a warm place until doubled in size. About 1 hour. (I let my Kitchen Aid knead the dough for about five minutes. I then poured about 3 tablespoons of oil into the bowl, and coated my ball of dough. I then covered the bowl and put it into the oven, with a bowl of hot hot water underneath. This helps in the rising process. Especially when its cold outside.)

Punch dough down. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface. Divide in half. Cover; let rest for 10 minutes. Meanwhile lightly grease two 9x1 1/2 inch round baking pans, or 2 baking sheets; set aside. For filling stir together brown sugar, the 1/4 cup flour, and cinnamon; cut in 1/3 cup butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.

Roll each half of dough into a 12/8-inch rectangle. Sprinkle filling over dough rectangles. Roll up each rectangle starting from a long side. Seal seams. Slice each roll into 12 pieces. Place cut sides down in prepared pans or baking sheets. (I did one big rectangle, and made large cinnamon rolls. It just depends what kind you want.)

Cover dough loosely with plastic wrap, leaving room for rolls to rise. Chill for 2 to 24 hours. Uncover; let stand at room temperature for 30 minutes. Or to bake rolls right away, don't chill the dough. Instead, cover loosely; let dough rise in a warm place until nearly double, about 30 minutes.

Break any surface bubbles with a greased toothpick. Brush dough with half-and-half. Bake in a 375 degree oven for 20 to 25 minutes or until light brown. Remove from oven. Brush again with half-and-half. Coll for 1 minute. Invert rolls onto a wire rack. Coll slightly. Invert again unto a serving platter. Drizzle with Vanilla Glaze Serve warm.

I did place mine in the refrigerator over night. It seemed much easier that way.

Vanilla Glaze

In a small bowl stir together 1 1/4 cups sifted powdered sugar, 1 teaspoon light colored corn syrup, and 1/2 teaspoon vanilla. Add enough half -and-half or light cream (1 to 2 tablespoons to reach drizzling consistency.)


These where really good in my opinion. Let me know what you think.

A NEW look!

So I am tired of winter. I am sick of winter. I MISS HAWAII!

I am hoping that not looking at the cute snowmen may help me a little. Don't get me wrong...I love snowmen. Absolutely love them. They are just about my favorite thing about winter and the holidays. But I am tired of it being cold. I am tired of it being dreary. I am ready for a Change. (Haven't I heard that somewhere? Uh Oh) :)

It's been a pretty typical Saturday. I made cinnamon rolls, and ate two. So of course I was then knocked out into a sugar induced coma. Sugary things for breakfast always do that to me. Kayla and I took a nap together on the couch. I got up, and started working on organizing and cleaning out the girls room. Then I realized that I really want to shampoo their carpet. So, that's what I am about to do. But first I had to take a break, eat some left over Alfredo from last night. Ummmm....I love food. Most of my day is centered around food.

Okay, now I must get busy.

mummmm greek food

So I love Greek food. I mean absolutely love it. And I finally got brave, researched recipes, and made some this weekend. I was throwing a birthday party for my mother, who also loves Greek food. I made Tabbouleh (A refreshing grain salad mix of parsley, Bulgur, wheat, garlic, fresh tomato and mint topped with olive oil,) Tzatziki (Yogurt dip seasoned with grated cucumber and mild garlic,) Hummus (A blend of garbanzo beans, Tahini, fresh garlic and lemon topped with olive oil,) pita bread, and lots of other things. But the before mentioned where the new recipes that I was trying out. They all turned out so great. I really enjoyed them. I linked to the recipes that I used, and of course, if you know me at all, you know that I tweaked them. :)

I also wanted to share a recipe that I made up the other day. I was making burgers for dinner, and had wanted to have baked beans to go with them. But I didn't have any. I did however have a bad of died pinto beans. I have been buying more and more bagged beans, using them to supplement protein in our diets. So here is my recipe for baked beans. They where soooo yummy.

BBQ Baked Beans

1 lb bag of dried pinto beans
bay leaves
2 cans tomato soup
1/2 brown sugar
1 T mustard
2 cloves pressed garlic
4 T Captain Morgans Spiced Rum
Salt
Pepper

Place sorted and rinsed beans in crock pot. Add water so that it double covers the beans. Add salt, pepper, and bay leaves. (how much depends on your taste preferences. I used 3 bay leaves, about 3 T salt, and 3 tsp. pepper.) Set on high and cook for 6 hours, or until tender. Meanwhile in a medium bowl combine tomato soup, brown sugar, mustard, garlic, and rum. Mix until well blended, and refrigerate.

After beans are done, drain and add BBQ sauce mixture. Place back in crock pot and cook for another two hours.

It may seem like a lot of work, but I promise the results are well worth it.

Rest In Peace Beaner

On one of the blogs that I read regularly, there was a post. A post about a woman, needed to decide what to do with her baby. She had upon discovering that she was pregnant first had decide weather to abort or not. I was rejoicing as I read that she determined to keep her child. And then she had to decide weather or not to put the baby up for adoption. She decided to keep her child. There where circumstances that I couldn't possibly understand. I couldn't possibly know. But this guest post on this blog that I sometime read and mostly get laughs from, had suddenly touched my heart. I started reading while pregnant, and just after Makayla was born.

Today, as I sat enjoying a few moments of peace before my girls woke up, I log on to catch up on my blog friends. And I read this. Beaner died of SIDS back in October. I am filled with grief. And then as I sit crying, I feel guilty. It is not my grief to have. It was not my baby. Oh, Father in Heaven, thank you that it wasn't my baby. I feel guilty again. I sit for a moment. I pray, Lord please touch her heart. Heal that hurt that I am so thankful that I don't know. I can not type, I cannot see. My vision is blurred by my tears. I don't understand. It brings back questions that I don't have answers to.

I hear my girls. They have woken up, and are playing together in Makayla's bed. I wipe my tears. I will go to them. And hug them, and Cherish them. I will try to remember, always remember, the joy it is to have them in my life. Even when I am tired of cleaning the dirty diapers, the messy toys. Even when I sometimes wish that I could go to the bathroom by myself, I will remember. And Cherish them for as long as possibly, and I pray that is a very very very long time.

It happens suddenly...

In our house, there are rules. There has always been rules, and I am sure, sort of a nuclear Holocaust, there will always be rules. And as with any rule, there are consequences. If you follow the rules, A happens. If you don't follow the rules B happens. I grew up that way, and so did my husband. I think its very good for my children. And I will say, that although we have rules, we do sometime break them. (IE eating of the cookies before dinner, so much so that it sometime results in little eating of dinner.) And I am okay with this. For if I was to follow every rule, all day long, that is all I would ever do. Enforce rules. I wouldn't have time to eat, sleep, or think for myself. So breaking of the rules is necessary, and sometimes that includes letting my children think they pulled one over on mom. (Now, let me be clear this does not apply with really big things like teaching her sister to play in the toilet, or the use of a knife to cut open the box, even if she feels that she has "grown bigger enough" :)

But sometimes, I find that I must have not been following the rules enough. I must have over looked that attitude one to many times. For all of the sudden I am hit with something. It might be big, such has the throwing of a tantrum in the middle of walmart, because we can't "eat here." Or it might be as little, (well, less noticeable anyways) as when I ask for her to put away a toy, she says, "I can't, I am playing with moon sand." It is in these moments that I think, I can't believe she just did that. My little precious three year old, when did she become a teenager. And it is in these moments that I vow to do a little better, try to be more proactive in making sure she doesn't act like a heathen, and tell her that she will not play with moon sand for one more minute if she talks that way to me again, and demand that she put the toy away. To which she agrees, because after all wasn't she just testing the limits?

We really should be paid more... :) I think I will go get that extra hug for today!